Right now I am exploring gender and gender theory, trying to find the terms to explain how I see myself and how others see me. I am a woman through and through, but there is a good part of my personality that is masculine. Especially in the way I treat women. A friend and I once came to the decision that it was a type of modern chivalry. On a day to day basis I don't really get to play with my appearance and my enjoyment in blurring the lines between my physical appearance and my personal preferences.
The clothes that I wear the most often are my work scrubs. Scrubs, in general, are very androgynous, a male the same size could borrow just about any one of my uniforms and no one would know. For the time that is my own, I tend to wear jeans and whichever t-shirt or henley catches my eye first.
What I would really like to do is to play more with expressing that little bit of masculinity that is in my personality. Yes, I could cut my hair slightly differently, and, minus the huge boobs, I could be mistaken for a man. But that is not who I am right now. I say "right now" because I could be changing my mind about that down the road. I don't see that happening but whatever, moving on.
Regulars in my wardrobe include the dark wash jeans that I love so much I avoid washing them more than once a week unless I have to. I have my favorite pair of converse, with one of the "ALL STAR" tags sewn onto the tongue upside-down. There is also my beat up Adidas samba's that I wear to work. A belt is a must, usually black, with some sort of studs.
My hair is short, stopping just at the bottom of my ears, but with the top layers long rather than short in a pixie or boy cut. I have light blue eyes and wear nondescript black wire framed glasses. I have freckles, lots of freckles.
I am not skinny, nor obese, but somewhere in the middle. I switch between sizes 12-16 depending on how often I remember to eat, or how much stress I'm under. At just over 6ft tall, I have almost no curves aside from my breasts. And as so many men and a few woman have told me, they are quite a pair. At 38DDD, in a minimizer bra, I have a hard time even fitting into some of my scrub tops after they have gone through the wash.
Don't get me wrong here. I love my body. Yes I would love to take a bit off the middle and put it on my rear end but I'm ok with it. I just have a hard time finding clothes that both accentuate my body and don't show too much in all the wrong places. Most tops and shirts made for women are no where near long enough to cover enough cleavage to make me comfortable and keep my middle out of sight. And simply put, I can't afford to put a whole lot of money into my wardrobe right now.
There is one outfit that I like to wear out to the bar to make the night feel a little bit special. A sheer gray lace camisole over a black tank, topped by a mens vest from a three piece suit. It covers everything that I want to cover, and overlays feminine with the masculinity of the vest. In this outfit I can do just about anything. I have played pool and shuffleboard, gambled, flirted, talked, argued, cried, and celebrated. And never once did I feel like anything but me.
In this vest I can graciously accept a drink from a man, and then gracefully explain that I am to be considered a friend and not a quest for sex. In this vest I have competed for the attentions of a woman, and remained humble when I received more attention than the guys. In this vest I have listened to a man try to convince me that he can pleasure me as well as a woman can, and remained calm. And in this vest, I had to confidence to reply that I wasn't a lesbian because of what a woman can do to me but what I can do to a woman.
In this vest I have had deep and meaningful conversations. In this vest I have sought out the comfort of a good friend. In this vest I have sat in peace in a dark corner. In this vest I have found myself enjoying being the center of attention. In this vest I have drunk away my sorrows, and vented my frustrations. In this vest I have cried over the loss of my patients. In this vest I have celebrated the lives of those moved on.
In this vest I have found a part of myself I didn't know I had.
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